Looks Like Debt Incurs

I’m lost. Is it three or is it four days I am behind?  I am not sure and, as things continue to get worse every day (I was sure God had already given me more than I could possibly handle months, aka 60-some crushing blows ago). I am going to give myself five encouraging compliments today (even though stalker’s stalker will only use them in one of her
many blogs to get some sympathy, poor little shithead, so she can add some new troops to her army of me-haters).

1. I have an elephant’s memory.  No, there is not some poor elephant walking around trying to remember why she’s walking around looking for a memory she forgot she lost.  I didn’t steal it. I hate thieves. I am not fond of people who are thick as thieves with the ideological concept that an ex makes a great one-of-my-many personalities. I’m not thick in the head.  I might like some peanut butter and maple syrup. Oh boy, I remember that.  To many cavities. Sorry, distraction.

2. I have loved myself from birth enough to love so many others through things that, without my love, they may not be here today.  So if my own sanity be gone permanently,  I can say I used it wisely, for the greater good. Well, it was certainly one or five less suicide funerals I had to attend.

3. Before my head got tired, I was a walking calculator. I could add hours worked, convert to decimal, divide by number of days I had thus far been scheduled to work thus far this month, multiply by number of day I am scheduled to work this month, multiply by pay rate and then by 0.80 (what I kept after taxes) and get an estimate of what my paycheck will be for a month.  I was usually witnin a nickle. That tax thing fluctuates, but stays close. (Of course, then I had to subtract amount of bills so I could divide by number of Fridays and Saturdays in the next month and get my party budget.) But what made that tougher, I have what I call a six-track mind.  There are always six concious thoughts in my head (conscious doesn’t include those thoughts the brain uses to comnunicate with the heart and lungs and nervous system), running different length thoughts at different speeds, everchangeable.  I calculated that monthly paycheck in under two minutes, sometimes under one, while balancing bank accounts, answering multi-line phones, trimming my hair, daydreaming about something that happened at the party last weekened and looking through my closet, going by memory as I wasn’t home, deciding what to wear tonight.  I guess, if read that aloud, you can see why my mind got tired right around my 40th birthday.  Of course, there’s no accounting for run-on sentences.

This is getting hard right now as the only kids I currently keep in care, besides my before school girl who’s only with me another week, are 2.5 hours late getting here so far.  I am planning on shutting down and  ‘going away’ when I next experience a non-enrollment period. This is starting to feel pretty final.  My melancholy spirit can’t handle change well.

Oh my god, I think I’m going to be sick.

I feel so awful, to awful to finish this.  I need to go somewhere unhappy is safe.



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